My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
