rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
