peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
