I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
