Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
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