Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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