My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
