the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Randomize