also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
