We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
