dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
