Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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