The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
