My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
