Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
...so i touched it.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
