While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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