Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
