giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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