Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
