I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize