Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
