this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
