Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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