I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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