i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
