Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
