I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
