I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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