I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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