I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
