Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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