Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
