Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize