he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
