We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
