if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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