i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
