Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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