he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
