I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
