I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
