cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
