Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
