Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
