I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
