The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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