i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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