I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
