I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize