eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just pee around me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
