Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
