I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
