Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
