dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
