I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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