whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
