Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
