i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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