Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
