You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
