I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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