I faked an abortion last night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
